You know what I hate? I hate how pathetic I am. I hate how I’ve asked out practically every girl under the sun and they all say no and for some reason I still don’t get it in my head that I’m just not the type of person that girls want. I have nothing to offer them. I have no confidence, I have no personality, I’m not even rich or good-looking. I’m just a wart on the face of society. I mean what girl would want to go out with a guy who hates himself? And then the spiral downward starts. The more I hate myself, the more girls don’t want to be with me. Aaaaaand the more girls don’t want to be with me, the more I hate myself. How can I be that confidence, positive, outgoing person that girls will like when every rejection casts me into deeper isolation and despair?
I suppose the right thing to do is to stop asking. I need to understand that no one will want to be with me if I don’t even want to be with myself. I guess that’s true. But there is always that hope right? There is always that glimmer that the next person will be smart enough to see past these concrete walls and somehow see the person I really am even when I can’t see it myself. My hope is they will see it, treasure it, understand it and have the power to coax that good person out me. Would that be awesome? And then I could finally flourish and be the person I see in my mind.
Burt that’s not fair. It’s not fair to put all my expectations on someone else to solve my own problems. Besides, no one else has the power to change me anyway. I need to start with myself first. And there goes another amazing girl and I ache all over again. But it’s better to stay silent and invisible and not say anything. After all, as long as I don’t ask, they can’t say no and that’s the first step in breaking the cycle.