You know what I hate?
I hate hope! Seriously. I hate thinking that someday something will happen that will make my whole life worthwhile. For some reason I think my life is a movie and all the mistakes and stupid things I’ve done will pay off with some amazing happy ending. That’ll be when I realize that my life through hell was the right path all along because if I had not gone through that, I would have gotten to this moment where everything finally makes sense.
Case in point. I ran into this girl the other day at work, we’ll call her Brooke. I first met her about a month ago at an internal event. I was running a demo table and she and her friend came up and chatted with me about what our team was doing, I was surprised at how genuinely interested she was in what I had to say. We had a great conversation. It lasted only a few minutes but it was the highlight of my day.
Anyway, I ran into Brooke the other day. She again seemed super excited to see me. And again she seemed totally engaged with me. You know how it is – deep eye contact, open body language, big smiles. Now I don’t know anything about this girl, but I swear she was attracted to me. After a few minutes, she said she had to go but asked if we could get together sometime and talk further. Wait. What? A girl is asking me to get together? This never happens and I mean NEVER. See previous post called “Can I Break The Cycle”
I said okay and walked away on cloud nine. Wow! Here was an amazing, attractive, intelligent, passionate girl that maybe, just maybe is interested in me? Nah, couldn’t be. Seriously couldn’t be. I’m a fuck. Like I said before, girls don’t fall for me. Besides, she seems kinda young. But on the other hand, who cares. I’m mean what if she is interested? Who knows. Maybe she could even be ‘the one’, right? And if my life had not been shit up to this point, I never would have met her. You see? You just have to have a little hope.
So I found out she’s an intern here only for the summer and she’s going back to College on the other side of the country in August. Hell, she’s not even old enough to drink yet. I also found out she’s meeting with lots of people. She’s trying to learn as much as she can while she is here so she is setting up meetings with everyone and anyone. She is not attracted to me. I’m not special. Clearly I misinterpreted her enthusiasm. Or maybe I am so damn desperate for attention that I clamped onto the first person that showed any interest.
Damn It! Damn it! Damn It!
So here I was riding high for a whole day, dreaming about what could-have-been. And now I’m crashing and burning. You’d think I’d learn by now. Yes, hope can be a great thing. With hope you can find that happy path to peace. But the crappy thing about hope is that it’s not real. And when reality smacks you in the face and once again that familiar feeling of failure settles in, it would have been better not to have hope in the first place. God, how stupid was I to think that something might happen. My life is not a movie. There is no happy ending and I hate my constant thinking that there may be.
Next day, sure enough, another girl smiles at me as she walks by and I say hi.
Damn it! That’s why I hate hope.