Is This Who I Am Supposed To Be?


You know what I hate?

I hate that this is who I am supposed to be.

I hate where I ended up in life. I hate that every day I wake up with regret and sorrow with who and what I have become. I played it too safe growing up. I never took chances. I was too afraid. I never pushed myself. I never tried new things. I never allowed myself to fail. And with that I also never allowed myself to succeed. When something came up, I let it go by. I can’t do that, I would tell myself. I don’t have the talent for that. Everyone would think that idea is dumb. They would laugh at me. So I stayed on the sidelined. I figured eventually things would fall into place. I figured like in the movies something would happen and all the pieces would fit together and I would wake up one day and be right with the world. But by the time I realized that real life wasn’t like that, it was too late. By the time I realized what I should have done differently, too much time had passed. I can’t go back and make those decisions over now. I missed the bus. I took the wrong road. I should have been smarter. I read somewhere that failure is not the opposite of success, failure is a part of success. I wish I would have known that then. But I didn’t and now I live a life of regret. That’s the worst pain of all. To know that had I had a second chance I could be someone different. But I’m too hard on myself. I only knew what I knew. Had I the chance to go back I would made all the same mistakes over again. How can I do any differently? That means I was meant to be exactly who and where I am. I was meant to be full of regret and sorrow. This is apparently who I am supposed to be. And that’s what I hate.


Hope is an evil villain


You know what I hate?

I hate hope! Seriously. I hate thinking that someday something will happen that will make my whole life worthwhile. For some reason I think my life is a movie and all the mistakes and stupid things I’ve done will pay off with some amazing happy ending. That’ll be when I realize that my life through hell was the right path all along because if I had not gone through that, I would have gotten to this moment where everything finally makes sense.

Case in point. I ran into this girl the other day at work, we’ll call her Brooke. I first met her about a month ago at an internal event. I was running a demo table and she and her friend came up and chatted with me about what our team was doing, I was surprised at how genuinely interested she was in what I had to say. We had a great conversation. It lasted only a few minutes but it was the highlight of my day.

Anyway, I ran into Brooke the other day. She again seemed super excited to see me. And again she seemed totally engaged with me. You know how it is – deep eye contact, open body language, big smiles. Now I don’t know anything about this girl, but I swear she was attracted to me. After a few minutes, she said she had to go but asked if we could get together sometime and talk further. Wait. What? A girl is asking me to get together? This never happens and I mean NEVER. See previous post called “Can I Break The Cycle”

I said okay and walked away on cloud nine. Wow! Here was an amazing, attractive, intelligent, passionate girl that maybe, just maybe is interested in me? Nah, couldn’t be. Seriously couldn’t be. I’m a fuck. Like I said before, girls don’t fall for me. Besides, she seems kinda young. But on the other hand, who cares. I’m mean what if she is interested? Who knows. Maybe she could even be ‘the one’, right? And if my life had not been shit up to this point, I never would have met her. You see? You just have to have a little hope.

Yeah, right.

So I found out she’s an intern here only for the summer and she’s going back to College on the other side of the country in August. Hell, she’s not even old enough to drink yet. I also found out she’s meeting with lots of people. She’s trying to learn as much as she can while she is here so she is setting up meetings with everyone and anyone. She is not attracted to me. I’m not special. Clearly I misinterpreted her enthusiasm. Or maybe I am so damn desperate for attention that I clamped onto the first person that showed any interest.

Damn It! Damn it! Damn It!

So here I was riding high for a whole day, dreaming about what could-have-been. And now I’m crashing and burning. You’d think I’d learn by now. Yes, hope can be a great thing. With hope you can find that happy path to peace. But the crappy thing about hope is that it’s not real. And when reality smacks you in the face and once again that familiar feeling of failure settles in, it would have been better not to have hope in the first place. God, how stupid was I to think that something might happen. My life is not a movie. There is no happy ending and I hate my constant thinking that there may be.

Next day, sure enough, another girl smiles at me as she walks by and I say hi.


Damn it! That’s why I hate hope.

Killing The Moment


You know what I hate?

I hate when I make a comment that I swear is funny or clever and people look at me like I’m the idiot. Why are you all staring at me? That was funny! It was! Wasn’t it? Is my sense of humor so screwed up that no one else thinks what I think is funny is funny? Does everyone think I’m an idiot? This is why it is so hard to be involved. I try to participate. I sit in the group. I pay attention. I listen to the banter and wait for the perfect opportunity to jump in. It’s hard. I would much rather be alone and not interact with people at all. But that’s not possible, so here I am in the thick of it trying to be social and a normal human being. And finally when the opportunity presents itself, I take my shot. I build up my nerve and say a comment that I think is funny and maybe a little bit clever, but then everyone stares at me like I just screamed cancer into the crowd. I don’t understand. What did I say that was so wrong? Everyone else is being funny and silly and saying weird things, but when I do it, I kill the moment and look like a total fool. Then, once again I feel like the outsider. Why do I even try to belong? Everyone knows I’m a misfit. Can we all just agree that I’m the invisible loser. You can ignore me and I’ll stop trying to fit in and we’ll all be a lot happier, won’t we?

My Glass-Half-Empty Brain


You know what I hate?

I hate that I am not a positive person. Seriously. I try to be a positive, but my gut reaction is always negative. It’s like negativity is ingrained in my DNA. I am a glass-half-empty guy. When something bad happens, I can’t see it as an opportunity, instead it again reminds me of how unlucky and pathetic my life is. I interpret life as a bad thing even though I know it is just life being life.

Like my previous post, when I’m driving down the road and the light turns yellow forcing me to stop, I feel it’s the universe being mean to me .When I pick a line at the grocery store and it ALWAYS ends up being the slowest line, I blame myself for picking the wrong line. Or how is it now that McDonalds has two drive-through lanes. I try to pick the one I think is faster, but I inevitably get behind the exact same soccer Mom ordering for the whole team while car after car whizzes by in the other lane. It has to be my fault

I understand that other people have the same problems and somehow it doesn’t affect them. I know it’s just life being life but I can’t help it. I see every mistake and every wrong decision as a reflection of the pathetic worthless piece of crap I am.  I know it should not affect me but that’s my point. They do because I am not a positive person. I clearly have this amazing talent of internalizing all the bad things in the universe and taking the blame for it.

Is easy to say it’s not my fault or it’s just life, but I tell myself that had I been smarter or better I would have made a different decisions, so it has to be my fault. And the fact that I know this is all crazy talk and still I believe it anyway is another thing that I hate myself for. Yep. No one’s fault but mine. So cheer’s to me and glass-half-empty brain.