You know what I hate? I hate how pathetic I am. I hate how I’ve asked out practically every girl under the sun and they all say no and for some reason I still don’t get it in my head that I’m just not the type of person that girls want. I have nothing to offer them. I have no confidence, I have no personality, I’m not even rich or good-looking. I’m just a wart on the face of society. I mean what girl would want to go out with a guy who hates himself? And then the spiral downward starts. The more I hate myself, the more girls don’t want to be with me. Aaaaaand the more girls don’t want to be with me, the more I hate myself. How can I be that confidence, positive, outgoing person that girls will like when every rejection casts me into deeper isolation and despair?
I suppose the right thing to do is to stop asking. I need to understand that no one will want to be with me if I don’t even want to be with myself. I guess that’s true. But there is always that hope right? There is always that glimmer that the next person will be smart enough to see past these concrete walls and somehow see the person I really am even when I can’t see it myself. My hope is they will see it, treasure it, understand it and have the power to coax that good person out me. Would that be awesome? And then I could finally flourish and be the person I see in my mind.
Burt that’s not fair. It’s not fair to put all my expectations on someone else to solve my own problems. Besides, no one else has the power to change me anyway. I need to start with myself first. And there goes another amazing girl and I ache all over again. But it’s better to stay silent and invisible and not say anything. After all, as long as I don’t ask, they can’t say no and that’s the first step in breaking the cycle.
I hate that I am not a positive person. Seriously. I try to be a positive, but my gut reaction is always negative. It’s like negativity is ingrained in my DNA. I am a glass-half-empty guy. When something bad happens, I can’t see it as an opportunity, instead it again reminds me of how unlucky and pathetic my life is. I interpret life as a bad thing even though I know it is just life being life.
Like my previous post, when I’m driving down the road and the light turns yellow forcing me to stop, I feel it’s the universe being mean to me .When I pick a line at the grocery store and it ALWAYS ends up being the slowest line, I blame myself for picking the wrong line. Or how is it now that McDonalds has two drive-through lanes. I try to pick the one I think is faster, but I inevitably get behind the exact same soccer Mom ordering for the whole team while car after car whizzes by in the other lane. It has to be my fault
I understand that other people have the same problems and somehow it doesn’t affect them. I know it’s just life being life but I can’t help it. I see every mistake and every wrong decision as a reflection of the pathetic worthless piece of crap I am. I know it should not affect me but that’s my point. They do because I am not a positive person. I clearly have this amazing talent of internalizing all the bad things in the universe and taking the blame for it.
Is easy to say it’s not my fault or it’s just life, but I tell myself that had I been smarter or better I would have made a different decisions, so it has to be my fault. And the fact that I know this is all crazy talk and still I believe it anyway is another thing that I hate myself for. Yep. No one’s fault but mine. So cheer’s to me and glass-half-empty brain.