My Glass-Half-Empty Brain

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You know what I hate?

I hate that I am not a positive person. Seriously. I try to be a positive, but my gut reaction is always negative. It’s like negativity is ingrained in my DNA. I am a glass-half-empty guy. When something bad happens, I can’t see it as an opportunity, instead it again reminds me of how unlucky and pathetic my life is. I interpret life as a bad thing even though I know it is just life being life.

Like my previous post, when I’m driving down the road and the light turns yellow forcing me to stop, I feel it’s the universe being mean to me .When I pick a line at the grocery store and it ALWAYS ends up being the slowest line, I blame myself for picking the wrong line. Or how is it now that McDonalds has two drive-through lanes. I try to pick the one I think is faster, but I inevitably get behind the exact same soccer Mom ordering for the whole team while car after car whizzes by in the other lane. It has to be my fault

I understand that other people have the same problems and somehow it doesn’t affect them. I know it’s just life being life but I can’t help it. I see every mistake and every wrong decision as a reflection of the pathetic worthless piece of crap I am.  I know it should not affect me but that’s my point. They do because I am not a positive person. I clearly have this amazing talent of internalizing all the bad things in the universe and taking the blame for it.

Is easy to say it’s not my fault or it’s just life, but I tell myself that had I been smarter or better I would have made a different decisions, so it has to be my fault. And the fact that I know this is all crazy talk and still I believe it anyway is another thing that I hate myself for. Yep. No one’s fault but mine. So cheer’s to me and glass-half-empty brain.

 

 

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The Wrath Of Stoplights

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You know what I hate? I hate stoplights.

It never fails. Seriously, It NEVER fails. When I am driving and approaching a stop light that’s green, I just know I’m not going to make it. I keep approaching, the light stays green,  and I still know I will not make it. I get all the way up to that critical point where you need to decide whether you can stop or not… and the light is still green. And I am amazed! I think “Oh My God, today I may actually make the light! My luck is going to change. Life is wonderful.” Then BAM! The light changes to yellow and now I have to make that split second decision on whether to go through the red or slam on my brakes to stop. Ultimately, I slam on the brakes. Then I sit for the next three minutes at the red light, cursing the whole time because not only did I miss the light like I knew I would, but the light actually made me believe for a moment that life might be good today. I hate the fact that I know exactly how my life is going to go, but every day I am fooled into believing that maybe, just maybe, today my life will change. But of course then reality slaps me in the face again. I am and will always be the same person who never makes the light…

I Hate My Memory

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You know what I hate? I hate my how bad my memory is. I can barely remember anything at all.

I watch movies and like a month later I don’t even remember what happened. Sometimes I don’t even remember that I watched the movie. I mean, sometimes it’s nice because then I can watch it over and be amazed again. But if I get into a conversation about it with someone, I can barely remember any of the details.

And I especially hate sequels. In sequels nowadays, you have to remember what happened in the previous episodes in order to understand anything. When the latest Avengers movie came out, I could barely remember what happened in the previous ones. Or worse, I get confused between those and other movies like Batman, Superman, Xmen, whatever. Do I go and watch the movie and try to figure out what’s going on or do I just watch them all over again on video before I see the new one? But that’s like 7 movies, I have to watch. It takes me forever…

The same thing with novels. I’ve read many of the classics, but I can’t remember what the hell happened in any of them. Year ago, I saw the list of the top 100 novels of all time and I felt bad that I never read any of them, so I decided to start reading them. I’ve actually read quite a few of them but then when I go back and look through the list I don’t remember anything about them. I’ve read slaughterhouse five and brave New World and A Tale of Two Cities,  but I can’t remember anything that happens.

If I have a conversation about a novel, I feel like an idiot because I don’t remember anything that happened. I usually just play dumb and say I haven’t read it and that’s not really a lie. After all, if I can’t remember anything, then I haven’t read it.

I meet people for the first time and they tell me their name and 10 minutes later I don’t remember what the hell they’re name is. And worse I see a week later and of course they remember my name but I can’t freaking remember theirs and I feel like an idiot for asking so I just say hi or how are you and somehow work around not even saying their name at all. After that I feel even worse because every time I see them now I know I don’t remember their name and it just gets worse and worse and eventually I start avoiding them because I don’t want to get caught not remembering their name.

Or I meet people and they tell me like they just had a baby on it was a girl and her name is Sophia and I said that’s really awesome. Then a month later, I’m talking to them and they say something about how their kid was sick and I don’t remember whether they had a boy or a girl or the name or even how many kids they have. I don’t want to feel like a freaking idiot so I don’t ask. Eventually I withdrawal from people all together because I don’t know if I’ll say something stupid or something that I should already know.

I’ll get some error on my computer and then I’ll spend the L3 days look it up on Google how to fix it and then I fix it and it’s like awesome I was able to fix that and then six months later the same error happens again and I don’t remember what the hell I did to fix it like a crap I hate that I don’t remember anything

I don’t remember people’s names and birth dates barely even remember what I had for lunch yesterday. It affects my confidence. How can I have a conversation or even just get through the day with a shit memory like mine? I don’t remember any details. I don’t remember anything.

Sorry, got distracted. What was I talking about?